The global crisis no one is talking about.

Every day, Gabes face discrimination, mockery, and unsanctioned nickname assignment. The Gabe Protection & Rights Commission exists to end this injustice. Permanently.

Join the Movement

The Evidence

The scale of the crisis, by the numbers.

1 in 4
Gabes report being asked if they play the trumpet — despite no evidence of brass instrument proficiency.
Source: GPRC Annual Impact Report (internal)
87%
Of Gabe-bashing incidents go unreported, often because the victim was too busy helping someone move a couch.
Source: GPRC Victimology Survey, 2025
Zero
Federal protections exist for the Gabe-named. Not a single line of legislation. Not one.
Source: We checked. Thoroughly.

Gabe-Bashing Incidents by Severity Tier (2025)

Nickname Assignment 85%
Beard Commentary 72%
Trumpt Allegations 64%
Eyewear Scrutiny 58%
Birthday Work Violation 31%

Data self-reported. Margin of error: ± the Gabe's feelings. Methodology: we asked around.

Compliance Framework

Gabe-Safe™ Maturity Model

Where does your organization fall on the Gabe-Inclusivity spectrum? Most workplaces are Level 0. Can you reach Level 3?

Tier Designation Nickname Policy Beard Commentary Birthday Protocol Certification
0 Gabe-Hostile Unrestricted Frequent Forced labour —
1 Gabe-Aware Limited to ≤2 nicknames Behind his back only Half-day permitted Tier 1 — $50
2 Gabe-Safe™ Pre-approved list only Constructive only Full day off, cake provided Coming 2027
3 Gabe-Led™ Abolished Prohibited by statute Birthday week declared Coming 2027

Mission Statement

“The Gabe Protection & Rights Commission is dedicated to the total global eradication of Gabe Bashing in all its forms. We believe that everyone should have a Gabe friend, and we work tirelessly to ensure those friendships are built on a foundation of respect, protection, and the absolute absence of mockery.”

Protecting the Gabe. Enriching the Friend.

“Before the Commission, I was called ‘Gabey-Baby’ in three separate meetings. Now I have a framed certificate and a direct line to dispute resolution. My dignity has been restored.”
— Gabe R., Certified Friend of Gabe since 2024

Take Action

Membership & Accreditation

Joining the Commission is more than a transaction. It is a solemn vow to replace mockery with mentorship and sarcasm with support.

Certified “Friend of Gabe” Status

$5.00
CAD / month

Are you doing enough to protect the Gabe in your life? This membership grants you official status as a Certified Friend of Gabe (C.F.G.).

  • Digital Certificate of Good Standing (PDF)
  • The “Bash-Pass” Waiver — one (1) Gabe-pun per calendar year
  • Priority Access to Truth — dispute resolution via email
Membership can be revoked if the member is found initiating a nickname involving “Goober,” “Gabey-Baby,” or “Gabriel the Angel.”
Enrol Now

Gabe-Safe Workplace Accreditation (Tier 1)

$50.00
CAD one-time

Is your organization compliant? The Gabe-Safe Workplace Accreditation signals a zero-tolerance policy on Gabe Bashing.

  • “Gabe-Safe Zone” Digital Window Cling (PDF)
  • H.R. Compliance Kit — 3-page guide on appropriate Gabe conversation topics
  • Corporate CSR Badge for your website footer
This accreditation does not legally protect the employer from lawsuits if a Gabe is forced to work on his birthday. That is a Class-A Felony.
Accredit Now